Letters to the Editor
The Maplewick Herald welcomes emails from concerned citizens, confused parishioners, junior detectives, snack victims, and anyone recently inconvenienced by crumbs, clocks, pigeons, or suspicious activity.
Bagpipes Before Breakfast
Dear Editor: My neighbour practices his bagpipes at 6:00 AM sharp every morning, which completely ruins my breakfast. What should I do?
— Sour in South Maplewick
Dear Sour: Offer him a crunchy Ginger Nut biscuit before he begins. It will not stop the music, but it may delay the first note long enough for toast.
Apple Pip Alarm
Dear Editor: My older brother said that if I swallow an apple pip, an apple tree will grow out of my ears. I accidentally swallowed one yesterday and now I am terrified.
— Branching Out in Maplewick
Dear Branching Out: Do not panic. Avoid soil, watering cans, and anyone carrying a tiny ladder. If leaves appear, contact the gardening column immediately.
Noisy Detective Dog
Dear Editor: I want to be a top-secret detective, but my dog keeps barking and giving away my position whenever I spy on the cat. How can I make him stealthier?
— Undercover in the Suburbs
Dear Undercover: According to Ms Teri, the best way to quiet a barking source is a tactical Custard Cream bribe. If that fails, pretend the dog is an alarm system.
Invisible Socks Complaint
Dear Editor: I bought invisible socks from the market town, but when I opened the packet I could still see them. Should I complain?
— Out of Pocket in Pebblebrook
Dear Out of Pocket: If you can see them, your eyesight is excellent. If you put them on and your feet disappear, please contact the Herald at once.
Bourbon Dunk Disaster
Dear Editor: My husband dunks his Bourbons for fourteen seconds. Yesterday one collapsed and created sludge at the bottom of his mug. Who is legally responsible?
— Soggy in the Square
Dear Soggy: Fourteen seconds is not dunking; it is a submarine mission. The biscuit is innocent. The dunker must answer for his actions.
Professional Daydreamer
Dear Editor: I want to run away and join the circus to escape maths homework. Are there openings for professional daydreamers?
— Distracted in Class
Dear Distracted: The circus has many clowns, but they still count how many can fit in the tiny car. Back to the textbooks.
Madame Moonbeam has consulted the stars and an empty biscuit tin. These predictions are almost accurate, but they are funnier than buying a crystal ball.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
A bold decision lies ahead. Sadly, it may involve choosing between homework and a suspiciously unattended biscuit tin. Check for witnesses.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You may feel stubborn today. This is useful if someone rushes you, but less useful if you are blocking the bakery doorway while choosing a bun.
Gemini
May 21 – June 21
Two ideas arrive at once. One is sensible. The other involves a ladder, a torch, and a secret passage. The stars are refusing to comment.
Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Today is a good day to stay cosy, unless a mystery knocks at the window. If it does, take snacks. Mysteries are always longer than expected.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You may feel dramatic today. Try not to announce ordinary events as breaking news unless Ms Teri is nearby with a notebook.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your tidy instincts are strong. Unfortunately, Maplewick will produce crumbs, pawprints, and one unexplained feather before lunchtime.
Libra
September 23 – October 23
Balance is important today, especially if you are carrying three library books, a jam tart, and a clue you found near the Clock Tower.
Scorpio
October 24 – November 21
A secret may come your way. Do not reveal it to pigeons. They look innocent, but several are known to loiter near the Herald office.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Adventure calls. Sadly, so does someone asking you to put your shoes on properly before leaving the house. Answer both, in that order.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Hard work will pay off today, unless you are working hard to avoid hard work. In that case, Ms Teri can probably see you.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Unusual ideas bubble up today. Write them down before they escape, especially if one involves a coded message hidden inside a sandwich.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Water signs should avoid puddles, ponds, and anything described as “probably not that deep.” Waffles strongly disagrees.
